Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Here at Mercu-tech we'd like to give a few guidelines to help ensure an enjoyable stay at our establishment while taking advantage of our complimentary wireless.

1. Please come up to the counter and ask us for the password card. The timid employees don't like to be yelled at from across the room and it may cause them to spill hot beverages, perhaps in the yeller's direction. By accident of course.

2. Please return the password card once you have gained access. There's only one card and, more often than not, more than one user on the premises. This would allow everyone to gain access and therefore pit everyone in the same bandwidth-reduced environment.

3. Please make a purchase before asking for the password card. This is the whole point of offering complimentary wireless. You see, we live in a capitalism society where NOTHING is actually 'free' and things that are offered as 'free' act as a lubricant for an initial purchase thereby negating actually giving anything away for nothing in return. You dig? Muffins are only two bucks, you cheap bastard.

4. Don't surf porn. I will see. And I will make fun of you.

5. Ditto for online gambling. Except I'll wait for you to build up your take and pull the plug on you.

6. If you really have to use our bandwidth to stream Gossip Girls, please use headphones. You WILL lose the volume battle and will be forced to watch your stupid show with subtitles.

7. Please don't download torrents. Similar to the online gambling, I'll wait until you're almost done and pull the plug on you if I even let you get that far. We have important browsing to do.

8. If in any event you spend more than 4 hours here you may be forced to become chummy with the staff here and proceed with a first-name-basis relationship with some. Some symptoms may include: ridicule, hugs, bad jokes, puns, laughter, etc.


If you proceed in accordance to these guidelines your stay at Merc-tech should be a prosperous one. Any complaints regarding our complimentary wireless can be emailed to itsfreeyoucheapo@douche.com

3 comments:

Customer Service said...

NOTHING TO DO WITH INTERNET ACCESS:

THE BIG PROBLEM WITH MERCURY IS NOT THEIR INTERNET ACCESS OR THEIR DELICIOUS COFFEE.

ITS THE FACT THAT THEY DO NOT HAVE THE CAPACITY OR THE ABILITY TO OFFER DECENT CUSTOMER SERVICE THAT IS ON PAR WITH ALL THE OTHER SHOPS IN LESLIEVILLE.

THEY HAVE A "NO CELL PHONE AT THE COUNTER" POLICY WHICH THEY ARE QUICK TO POINT OUT. I WOULD ASSUME THAT THIS IS TO ENSURE CUSTOMERS GIVE THEM THE ATTENTION AND PERHAPS SHARE SOME INTERACTION AS THEY PREP YOUR COFFEE.

BUT DO YOU EVER WONDER WHY THEY MOVE SO SLOW, WHY THEY NEVER REALLY CRACK A SMILE? WHY THEY NEVER REALLY ENGAGE YOU IN CONVERSATION UNLESS YOU ALIGN TO THEIR GRUNGY QUEEN WEST SENSE OF STYLE? BTW STYLE DOES NOT NECESSARILY EQUATE TO SECOND HAND CLOTHING.

AND WHY MUST IT TAKE SO LONG? IT'S NOT THE MACHINE? THE GRINDER? MAYBE IT'S THE FACT THEY ARE TAKING THEIR TIME CHATTING TO OTHERS.

WAIT??? CHATTING TO OTHERS? ANOTHER CONVERSATION WHILE THEY ARE SERVING AND PREP'ING YOUR ORDER?

WELL, SHIT, IT'S GOING TO TAKE SO LONG TO GET MY COFFEE AND I GOTTA WAIT WHILE THEY DILLY DALLY AND CHAT UP WITH THEIR BUDS? I MIGHT AS WELL START UP A CONVO ON MY CELL PHONE WHILE I ORDER.

THIS IS NOT WHAT WE WANT IN LESLIEVILLE!!!

MERCURY...I HOPE IT GETS BETTER, BECAUSE YOUR COFFEE IS FABULOUS. YOUR EMPLOYEES AND IMMATURE BEHAVIOUR...NOT SO MUCH...LITTLE BUSINESS TIP, STUDY YOUR DEMOGRAPHIC, LOOK WHO'S BUYING YOUR PRODUCT, AND PERHAPS MEASURE YOUR PROXIMITY TO DARK HORSE, THEY SEEM TO BE BUSIER AND BUSIER....MERCURY...NOT SO MUCH.

SO I'LL ENJOY THE WALK TO DARK HORSE, THE PEOPLE ARE GREAT AND SO IS THE COFFEE!

WAITING FOR YOUR WITTY REPLY.

PS: A WITTY REPLY MAY NOT ADDRESS THE ISSUE AT HAND

keef said...

Ok , usually I could care less about the whole Blogger thing but when it gets personal I have to rant.
have you the customer ever looked behind you in line at the rest of the world or are you so self centered on your own petty existence that you are oblivious to the fact that you are not the only person being served?
I have been a customer at Mercury since it opened and have seen servers come and go over the years.
And I must say that the crew that works there now is top notch.
I understand that people are not at there best till they get there addictive substance in them and waiting in such a small space can make you grumpy what with all those customers standing behind you but do you think this calls for you to sit in your over stuffed office chair and feel like you have to put your spineless faceless two cents in .
As far as saying that you will take your business to the other side of the Tracks well... on behalf of the rest of us customers "THANKS".
as the thought of striking a conversation with some one like you would you would be a mistake and a bad judgment on my behalf.
sounds like you maybe should cross the tracks to the other joint and get some group therapy I hear they have a large table that you can sit at and bitch,since there is nowhere else for the poor bastards to go they will have to listen.
To sum up I have been a coffee junky for the last 30 years and I can say with out a bout that Mercury is the best thing that has happened to this neighborhood and my kidneys in years.
Keep up the good work Matt.
Don't let some petty lame ass blogger get ya down.
Your staff is the best and your coffee is top notch.
And as for you spineless toadies.
"BEAT IT"
go hang out with the over 50 crowd on the other side of the tracks.
keef

Customer Service said...

Oh Keef,

Way to step up and represent. if you took a minute and did not let your temper get the best of you, you may have grasped the purpose of the posting, the discussion and what i would say a resolution. Check the "baby blog" in April.

Here we go...I'll try not to use too many big words. Firstly if you have been drinking coffee for 30 years, and assuming you didn't start at the tender age of 10, or 15, maybe closer to 20...that would put you at the tender age of almost 50...so why don't you join us. Stop hang'n with the kids and talk their talk, grow up and join us...Wait, I'm nowhere near 50, and the people at Dark Horse are pretty decent people, same neighborhood, you do live in Leslieville right?

People like you who make assumptions don't get very far when it comes to dialogue. Now I don't want to assume your age unless you were pounding back the caffeine and a smoke in your teens.

If you were clever enough to understand the blog, it's not about the cell phone policy. Gees, that's such a none issue. Roll out the pack of smokes you have tucked in your sleeve and chill. Maybe revert to the chain of dialogue i referred to earlier.

In speaking of the "dialogue", Matt, Doug and even feisty Damien handled my rant quite well and you know what, I feel crappy for coming at them like that. probably not the best way, but i was pissed at the treatment people were getting. To be honest, I'm more of an observer, I get some decent treatment some of the time, NOT all the time, but have seen others suffer through the experience and some at the "cell phone policy".

I don't like having two convo's. so I like to end my call before I step in. So I get the policy. But again, not the issue at hand.

And if you had a grasp of reality, its known that Mercury has the best coffee, great vibe, but their customer service is not really that good...at times. So I do get frustrated when I come in friendly and all, smiles at the counter, and I get what I described in my rant. Then you look down at this "policy" and you start to wonder why.

Oh and as for stuffed office chair...i'm a freelancer. No chair buddy, sorry.

I am going tit for tat with you to see if you actually get the point or your too caught up in your angry state.

So some customers get a bit of a cold shoulder (again Mercury is known for this, admitted to my their owners and employees) yet they feel that they can dictate what is rude and what isn't. And again, relax, it's been addressed and all is well.

Wait...Spineless too. Sure. I guess so. I like some of the employees and I do respect the owners. I really don't want to go in there and cause a scene if i'm getting mistreated or see someone else get the cold shoulder. Maybe this is a good way? Maybe I should have pulled Matt aside? Oh well, consider me spineless.

My first post probably wasn't the best approach but it addressed an issue, created some dialogue, got people to talk about it and come to some sort of agree or agree to disagree position.

But for someone closing in on his 50's (assuming you are a "he"), you'd figure they'd be more mature about how to handle some criticism which is not even about them.

I'm sure you'll reply, but I won't be reading it. Issue is closed for me, as i've desecrated this blog enough.

Good luck in saving the planet Captain Keef, the poor baristas need you...maybe lay off the caffeine.