Here at Mercu-tech we'd like to give a few guidelines to help ensure an enjoyable stay at our establishment while taking advantage of our complimentary wireless.
1. Please come up to the counter and ask us for the password card. The timid employees don't like to be yelled at from across the room and it may cause them to spill hot beverages, perhaps in the yeller's direction. By accident of course.
2. Please return the password card once you have gained access. There's only one card and, more often than not, more than one user on the premises. This would allow everyone to gain access and therefore pit everyone in the same bandwidth-reduced environment.
3. Please make a purchase before asking for the password card. This is the whole point of offering complimentary wireless. You see, we live in a capitalism society where NOTHING is actually 'free' and things that are offered as 'free' act as a lubricant for an initial purchase thereby negating actually giving anything away for nothing in return. You dig? Muffins are only two bucks, you cheap bastard.
4. Don't surf porn. I will see. And I will make fun of you.
5. Ditto for online gambling. Except I'll wait for you to build up your take and pull the plug on you.
6. If you really have to use our bandwidth to stream Gossip Girls, please use headphones. You WILL lose the volume battle and will be forced to watch your stupid show with subtitles.
7. Please don't download torrents. Similar to the online gambling, I'll wait until you're almost done and pull the plug on you if I even let you get that far. We have important browsing to do.
8. If in any event you spend more than 4 hours here you may be forced to become chummy with the staff here and proceed with a first-name-basis relationship with some. Some symptoms may include: ridicule, hugs, bad jokes, puns, laughter, etc.
If you proceed in accordance to these guidelines your stay at Merc-tech should be a prosperous one. Any complaints regarding our complimentary wireless can be emailed to firstname.lastname@example.org