Thursday, November 12, 2009

SILENCE AND "THE ESPRESSO"

I got to thinking about 20 minutes ago when I was asked to write a blog about something that's been on my mind for a while now. Something that every barista has experienced; Silence. Silence, as we all know can be like a warm toilette over the face, or it can be a maddening prison where all of our perverted thoughts run rampant in our ever-so-derranged minds... wait, you guys don't have derranged minds? Don't bullshit me... Anyway, let's get started.Really? Are you some kind of Moron?

Perhaps the most irksome request asked of a barista nowadays (none-"why-bother" drink request) is the "could you please turn the music down?" question. Admittedly, sometimes people do get carried away, but come on, SLAYER IS LIKE MOZART! This is obviously and stance of the barista protecting themselves from POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS SYNDROME by using noise as a distraction from TERRIBLE 'NAM FLASHBACKS.

Johnny?
John?
JOHNNNNYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
WHY?!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?

But really... are they? What some people don't understand is that Silence does exist in the loud coffee environment, and it is not all unwelcomed. It isn't a desolate, baron, antarctica-like silence, but rather a staggered silence throughout the day. These staggered silences are usually the result of someone lifting the needle off of the turntable so that it makes that "RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRURRRRPPPP" sound. It's kind of like listening to early hip-hop once every three hours for about 10 seconds. 10 Seconds of in-between-ness (Fig 1a).

(fig 1a) As you can see, silence is distributed evenly and fairly throughout the day. It is also green.

This is an instance of when complete silence is totally and wholeheartedly embraced. More are embodied in the list that follows:
  • Early mornings when you just want to be left alone, with your thoughts (Why am I up this early? Where am I? This hangover sucks.)
  • After DEATH METAL FRIDAYS 1-3pm when people are done assaulting you with torches and pitchforks accusing you of satanism.
  • When we are closed
  • At inopportune moments when you are trying to insult a jerk behind his back
  • oh wait that last one shouldn't be on here.

SILENCE: BLISS OR HELL?
THIS IS THE QUESTION.
ONLY ONE ARBITRATING FORCE CAN QUELL ANY CONFLICT BETWEEN THESE TWO TENSE FORCES:


GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL


Charizard is my FAV!