Sunday, February 01, 2009




Well, Dizzy Bone just killed the game again holla atcha boy whaaat?

You see, I, Damien Zielinski, "the Fat Villain," just discovered a brand new grooming technique to pull the most honey-creamingest ejacula* that coffee could ever be. It's a synthesis of the Tran-Spoon-Chop and the Scott Rao Dogbone Dig, and it's been murdering the morning army like 300.

I call it the Golden Comet Circle Flex, and it involves using the round DOSING CHAMBER lid that nobody ever uses for anything, usually. Then, when the 'bed' of coffee grounds in the filter looks like it was lovestruck by a divinely proportioned asteroid sphere**, I let the scimitar-bevelled U.S. STANDARD tamp slide sexually into the filter and Bammo, lock and load, and get this- DON'T PRE-INFUSE***. Then I pull a shot better than Katie, Ben, Matt, Doug, Neil, Robin, Alex, or any of those other dudes could EVER do, put together, on steroids****. Then YOU drink it and it goes straight to your pants. Fifty thousand points, right???? A million.






*noun
**Michael Crichton
***natural wetness factor effect
****Not in a million years, if it was 1999, if their lives depended on it, if their plane was going down, if there was no tomorrow, if their collective baby was trapped in a locked Subaru.

4 comments:

Mercury Espresso Bar said...

you heard it, now big bird it.... CHUMPS! who wants to battle????

~damien

bigabeano said...

I want to battle!
I'll be in Toronto in a week or two. You know, some of us old timers MIGHT have already used that technique before... but it might work even better if you had progressive preinfusion (not the synesso type) and perhaps a few other mods.
Out of curiosity, what's your line pressure to your espresso machine?
-Scott Rao

Mercury Espresso Bar said...

STEP INTO THE CYPHER, I'LL RIP OFF YOUR TENTACLES

Mercury Espresso Bar said...

ENTER THE VORTEX, I WILL SPIT ON YOUR SOUL